Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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