you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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