I want to have your abortion
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
