my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
