I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Are my feet made of real feet?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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