Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
