I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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