if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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