my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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