I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
