he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I have fence marks all over my body
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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