wat bout pragnant strippers??
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
