You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
