i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
