If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
