If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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