I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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