mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
bring money and cleavage
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize