well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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