You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We just shotgunned beers for America
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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