Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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