Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
