The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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