3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
