She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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