Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
its liver damage thursday
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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