Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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