The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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