I skipped work to stalk him.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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