During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
