and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Randomize
