I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
