his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
