somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Is it penis luge time yet?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
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