I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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