Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
