this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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