but the lizard people decide everything anyway
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
