Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
