My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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