Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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