Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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