So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
