you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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