You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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