just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
