At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
How drunk are you?
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