When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize