You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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