I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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