I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize