Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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