My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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