My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
